Thinking out loud

June 12, 2007

2010-06-16T14:54:00.001-05:00

Tuesday, June 12, 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!
Thanks to everyone who sent e cards, cards, phone calls and gifts! It was such a nice surprise :) Aunt Sandra, thank you so much for the Willow Tree!! I LOVE IT!

Today I wanted to do something fun with the kids but I'm not sure what to do. No one is around to do anything with. Plus, Kaitlin took a tac to a picture I have of the three kids... the big poster size one and pinned up Ashlee's face because she was mad at her. So now I have her in time out and told her NO video games today. I can't believe she did that!!!

Last night we went to Chinese for dinner. Mom sent me money to do some fun things before I am locked up, so we decided to get something to eat :) I really want to take the kids to CEC or the Splash Pad but it's so hard with Jakey running wild with me not being 100% energetic right now!

Tomorrow I go to Vandy for blood work. I am hoping they give me platelets and send me on my merry way. I really really want to go to the beach next week!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Mark got me the sweetest card today for my birthday. It really meant alot. He also had one somehow hidden from me that Ashlee pulled out and gave to me! It was really sweet too.

Well I guess I better shower while Jake naps. I hope I can come up with something fun to do with the kiddos!
Posted by ashkaitnjakesmom at 9:51 AM
6 comments:
Heather P. said...
I'M HAPPY TO HEAR YOU HAD A GREAT DAY! GOOD LUCK TOMORROW GIRL! PEACE AND LOVE, HEATHER P.

6:24 PM
tanya said...
Hope you enjoyed your day girl! I will be thinking about you tomorrow!

9:14 PM
Jennifer said...
Happy Birthday Jenna! Hope you had a great day! :)

9:48 PM
d.ritchie said...
Jenna,
I'm glad you had a great B-day. You deserved it after the year of HELL you have had. I will be praying for you tomorrow.

As for the picture you are mad right now, but someday you will look back and chuckle. It will be one of those stories to tell when they get older.

Hang in there I love you.

10:54 PM
Tara said...
happy birthday to you-
happy birthday to you-
happy birthday to Jenna-
happy birthday to yooooou!!!
hip hip hoooray!!
I'll pray your day goes as good today as it did yesterday! And....that you are able to go to the beach!

5:14 PM
margienaugle said...
Happy belated birthday Jenna! Glad that you were able to be home for it :)

5:44 PM

June 12, 2006 post

2010-06-16T14:45:00.001-05:00

Monday, June 12, 2006
Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday To me!!! :) I'm 34 now!! One more year till I'm on the down hill slope to 40!!!! Wow, doesn't seem possible. I still feel like I'm in my 20's at times except for my aching joints and gray hair strands! LOL

Today I'm going to take Jakey in to see the DR and hopefully make the hugest playdate in a long time at Roxy's. Gotta leave here in about 40 minutes so I'm signing off! I'll fill you in later on my day. Wish Mark were home. :(

38

2010-06-16T14:28:00.004-05:00

Jenna isn't here to post about her 38th birthday! People will still come here in hopes of something new to read. Something to either bring them back to a happy memory or to create a new one! We are coming upon 3 years. 3 years since Jenna posted something herself on this blog............. or we had a new and funny story or picture. I can't wait for the day when her children get old enough to blog and reach out to people the way Jenna used to and connect.

A few of you have said you have old emails from Jenna saved! I would love it if you would email me some excerpts that I can post here...........things we haven't seen or read before............... a way to honor and remember her and also a place where her children will some day come to read and seek answers - and see the amazing amount of people that were in her life..........and who carry on so many wonderful stories about her that they will yearn to hear...........

Please email me if you'd like to share a photo or an email from her. You should be able to click my name and send an email.

The big EDIT

2010-05-04T14:33:00.002-05:00

SO I have decided that a lot of the stuff on the blog I will need to edit down to a smaller little book for the children.... I try to imagine reading some of the posts/comments from a childs view and I want anything they read to create feelings of warmth and understanding of Jenna and her love for them. Some of the stuff on here about Mark leaving would be inappropriate. I will keep it on the blog here forever as it's "JENNA'S" blog but the book I shall edit! Some day the kids can read all of her thoughts (when they are no longer KIDS!)

I'm wondering who has done converting to PDF. This seems to be the best method for putting it in a book!

Suggestions welcome! :)

Converted to hard copy

2010-04-15T15:13:00.002-05:00

I am going to be converting Jenna's blog to hard copy.

I will edit and then save this for the children to have when they turn 18.

Happy Valentine's Day Jenna!

2010-02-14T09:05:00.001-06:00

Mark's Birthday

2009-05-27T21:01:00.001-05:00

Mark's birthday is next week.

Easter 2007

2009-04-09T07:42:00.002-05:00

How time flies............... 2 years ago Jenna and the kids flew up here to Cranberry for Easter. Jenna was also pregnant with Will. I can't believe it has been 2 whole years and then again it feels like a life time ago. Kaity Bear loved playing with Baby Addison as she would call her.

I can't believe this enormous dessert that Jenna made.......YUMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

Take my hand

2009-03-01T08:44:00.002-06:00

Last night Jenna came to me in my dream. I don't remember what was going on in the dream but Jenna came to me through a wall....and said "Do you remember when we were little kids and we could FLY?" and I said to her "I can't do it Jenna- I'm not dead" and she said "Just take my hand, close your eyes and I'll show you" so I took a deep breath and grabbed her hand and we were able to start flying- right through a wall- out into the open sky......I could feel the wind blowing through my hair and we were flying together. It was just a very peaceful feeling and then I woke up.

Immortality

2009-02-22T11:21:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Spkpt1geCk

Came across this song while thinking of Jenna..... something I can see her saying to us!

2009-02-16T17:37:00.001-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LraZEoRnkPc

Jake is turning 3!

2009-02-14T12:09:00.002-06:00

Hey Everyone!

Jacob is turning 3 years old next week. Can you believe it? He's such a big boy! Kara said that he is potty learning right now (how exciting) and he's also starting to gain more independence and playing outside with the "big kids"!

They are having a party for him next Sunday the 22nd. Right now he's very into Dora the Explorer and he's also into any sort of "vehicle"- cars, trucks etc.

If you don't have Mark's address I will happily provide it should you wish to send a card or present for Jakey!

For those that do not follow Kara's blog I'll try to put a few pictures on here once she shares them for people to see.

Happy Valentines Day!

Going to Private

2009-02-11T14:18:00.001-06:00

Hey Everyone. I'd like to move this blog to private. Please email me if you want to be added.

tamrathorne@yahoo.com

P.S

2008-05-01T13:15:00.001-05:00

If some of what I write doesn't make sense I am sorry. I often get in a MOMENT with all my pregnancy hormones and just write something down on the blog........................whatever comes to my head in that moment............. ;)

May 2008

2008-05-01T13:08:00.002-05:00

It's May............it is almost June- a hard month for all of us to get through I think.

First is Jenna's birthday June 12th which this year I won't be buying her a card and sending a gift or asking her what fun plans she has- nor will I be commiserating with her about how OLD we are getting.

This year I'll be spending the day thankful that I had a sister to share my childhood with- someone who was a part of my life since before I was 2 years old- who I shared a bed with for a few years as really little tykes- who I shared a room with as we got older- and that I had the gift of a sibling.

As I get closer to my due date I often feel tears spring to my eyes that the most SAD day of my life EVER- the day the doctor told me over the phone that Jenna had died - could become one of the happiest days of my life too if Tyler were to come on "that date".

June 27th- it was the worst Wednesday there ever was............................... but I believe happy memories can replace bad ones- so that each year we aren't thinking only of the sad event- but have a happy one there too................ a new baby. Jenna would be SO EXCITED right now at the fact Tyler is coming soon. She'd snicker to me that I better hope he's not an 11 lber and that I better demand they check so I don't go through what she did with Jake.....................

She'd be ready to email everyone every little detail including pictures the MOMENT he was here......................

Instead, I know she'll be standing silently in the corner of the delivery room- holding William and smiling over at me......................... she's been in my dreams lately with him- never in a blatant way but just there as part of whatever is going on.....................little reminders of her love and a reminder that sisters are forever................. love is forever...................... even when the person is gone the feeling is not. The soul carries that relationship forever.

Let's brace ourselves for June and thank you for everyone who still reads here...............

2008-03-26T20:25:00.003-05:00

I know that most people read the other blog I have going for Jenna.............the Help Save My Sister blog................but I know a lot of people come back here to just go read back over Jenna's posts to feel close to her.

I wonder how life would be if Jenna were still here with us. First of all she'd have baby William to take care of- she and Mark would be raising four kids. I'm sure she'd still be busy as ever not letting anything slow her down................... it's so hard to imagine all of it isn't it? I mean - death has such a finality to it that there is no turning back or changing things.

I'm so happy for the fact that Jenna made such an effort towards people even when they were too busy to do the same. She always called and was thinking of you. Maybe to tell you a funny story- or to share a song with you- or ask a question. She kept up childhood friendships and connections with people across the miles.

The internet has made it possible for her to remain a part of our memories and daily lives as we surf through other peoples blogs and hear what is going on in their lives. People Jenna was close to who are still very much thinking about her and keeping her spirit alive. Imagine if we couldn't go to this blog- or to family members or friends blogs and read things?

I hope that for those in TN who see the kids you'll post about it on your blogs and/or send photos so I can update these blogs for all to read?!

Thanks,
Tamra

Jake's 2nd birthday pics!

2008-02-17T19:01:00.001-06:00

Jake is turning 2!

2008-01-23T14:35:00.000-06:00

Well Jake is turning 2 next month................... his birthday party is going to be held Saturday, February 16th at Mark's parents home in Hendersonville! We are flying down and my mom is going to fly in as well - we are really looking forward to seeing the kids and how much they have grown and changed. It's so hard to realize that a year ago Jenna was taking pictures of Jake with his first birthday cake - and here we are a year later and life seems to have changed so much.

Jenna would be so very proud of her kids and how strong they have been and just how amazing they continue to be. I think she would be amazed with how strong all of us have been too - with how suddenly she was gone from us - without anyone being able to say goodbye- and just all the wondering about what happens after life.................

I know she must find great comfort in Mark's parents moving there like they did to help provide stability - and all that Mom has done while she was sick and after- and how big everyone's hearts seem to have grown through the impact Jenna made on all of us..................... I know we all think more about saying I love you- about making an effort to stay connected to each other more as a way to stay connected to Jenna!

I hope I can tell Jake so many great things about his mother some day..............because some day he is going to ask. I'm sure Ashlee and Kaity will have a lot to tell him too - that he was loved so very much by his Mommy!

Well that's all for now. I hope everyone is having a good week and think of Jake in a few weeks turning the big "2". I'll be sure to take some pictures and post them here for you all to see!

Grandma Cyr

2008-01-16T13:50:00.000-06:00

Aunt Patty posted something very interesting on her blog. Apparently the other day when she went to see our grandmother (our Dad's mom) she told Aunt Patty that Jenna had been there just standing in her room a few times........................... Grandma doesn't know that Jenna died..... she's extremely fragile and I guess the family felt it would bring her really far down. So this was very interesting that she SAW Jenna there with her.

I believe Jenna does visit us and is with us when we need. Often when I think really intensely about Jenna while I rock Addison- I feel Addy relax and fall asleep in that moment. It's hard to explain.

A Christmas Visit

2007-12-26T09:05:00.000-06:00

This is Jenna's brother, Andrew. I wanted to share something that happened on Christmas Eve.

During Jenna's viewing, the power went out. A lot of those who knew her figured she was up to her tricks and wanted to let us know she was there. Well, I think she did it again. We were gathered at Dad's in Shelburne and all enjoying the holiday get-together and the power in the entire neighborhood went out for just a few minutes.

I don't find every power outage strange, but this was on Christmas Eve and the wind wasn't even blowing. It was actually warmer than usual. At any rate, Susie mentioned when it happened in Tennessee and it made sense that Jenna would let us know she was watching.

Jenna, I missed you this Christmas but I know you loved this time of year so I enjoyed it as best as I could. I love you, sis.

Happy Holidays

2007-12-17T14:38:00.000-06:00

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Well since I'm not in TN to really say what's going on I will share with you what I've learned by talking to Dawn! It sounds like the kids are getting into the holiday spirit. Mark and the kids set up the Christmas tree and decorated it all nice. When Dawn came over to see it the girls were all excited and pointed to all of "Mommies" favorite ornaments or the ones she gave to them. They really had a good time setting up the tree. Mark really impresses me with making cookies with the kids, doing the tree etc and really making the effort. I'm sure it's hard on him.

My mom sent poinsettas and a wreath to Jenna's grave and Dad and Susie sent a little Christmas tree. Dawn said they look really nice. I find it very sad to imagine standing at Jenna's grave looking at those things but I'm happy to know that she has little bits of Christmas there with her.

Dawn was telling me some very touching and emotional things about Ashlee and how she is handling the holidays without her Mommy. It brought tears to my eyes that any little child should have to endure the pain and loss of their mommy but I am so happy that Ash is processing things and has love & support in doing so.

Jake is going to be 2 years old in February. It's hard to believe he is still so YOUNG. So much has happened in his short amount of time on this earth. I forget he and Addison are only months apart...............he's still just a little baby boy. (Despite being big and strong as an ox)! HA HA

I know that those of us who still blog/ read the blogs etc are thinking a lot about Jenna these days and lately whenever I hear the following song it makes me think of Jenna.................................

Rainbow Poem

2007-12-12T08:52:00.001-06:00

As we grow up, we will learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it will get harder every day. You'll break hearts too. So remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend being upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

2007-12-10T09:51:00.000-06:00

When tomorrow starts without me

And I’m not there to see

If the sun should rise and find your eyes

All filled with tears for me

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry

The way you did today

While thinking of the many things

We didn’t get to say

I know how much you love me

As much as I love you

And each time that you think of me

I know you’ll miss me too

But when tomorrow starts without me

Please try to understand

Than an angel came and called my name

And took me by the hand

And said my place was ready

In heaven far above

And that I’d have to leave behind

All those I dearly love

But when I walked through heaven’s gates

I felt so much at home

When God looked down and smiled at me

From His great golden throne

He said “This is eternity

And all I’ve promised you”

Today for life on earth is past

But here it starts anew

I promise no tomorrow

For today will always last

And since each day’s the same way

There’s no longing for the past

So when tomorrow starts without me

Don’t think we’re far apart

For every time you think of me

I’m right here in your heart

Author Unknown

A holiday memory from Jenna's friend John Broughton

2007-12-04T13:16:00.000-06:00

"Each and every Christmas growing up, Jenna would eagerly call me to
find out what I got for Christmas. After I would go down the list of
gifts, her remarks would ALWAYS be "you lucky little shit!". We did not
grow up spoiled or anything, my parents were just pretty generous during
Christmas. It was always funny to hear her say that though. She used to
get some pretty good stuff too.  Even as adults, we still called each
other at Christmas to discuss what we got and what we were doing for the
holiday.  That is my fond memory of her. However, I will always grow
to appreciate how excited she used to get around holidays. She would
always be the first to get her decorations out, first to start playing
Christmas songs, etc. - she loved Christmas.  These last few years, her
greatest joy was in going out and shopping for the kids.  One of her
traditions with the kids was getting them new Christmas pajamas every year
that they would open on Christmas Eve. I hope that tradition will
continue."

Holiday Memory from Joy Hunt

2007-11-15T10:28:00.001-06:00

Last year when Jenna was in the hospital getting her treatment we talked by email about a few things. She was so good at always replying to me.

I have this cup and saucer........very pretty with poinsettias all around it and it is always the first thing I get out for Christmas. I got it out this morning and it is even more special this year as Jenna gave it to me when she was a young teenager. I told Jenna last year how special it was to me and she said she also kept things that had special memories for her. She mentioned something I had given her and it made me feel good to know she had kept it.

When she was in the hospital I sent her a few Christmas ornaments and one of them was a baby doll ornament from my doll collection. I wanted her to have something that was mine. This is a baby in a christmas bunting to use as an ornament. She said it looked like Jake.

A funny Christmas Shopping Memory from Gena Gardner

2007-11-14T10:58:00.001-06:00

Quick and funny memory...years ago when we were in High School Jenna told me she wanted to go Christmas shopping at the Dollar Store because she was broke. It was the funniest thing. She grabbed a basket and quickly fled through the aisles grabbing stuff (ceramic objects) while laughing at herself the whole time at how cheap she was. I always laugh when I think of that. It's the thought that counts!

2007-11-13T15:07:00.000-06:00

This blog needs some updating. Well Thanksgiving is almost here.................... Ashlee told me yesterday they are going to be having a party at school where the parents get to come. She was very excited about it. She LOVES school. That is such a great thing. Let's hope that it continues.

Barbara told me that Mark brought the kids over to go Trick or Treating with her kids and that everyone had a nice time. Kaity seemed a little sad.................which is going to happen. Holidays are a huge moment where you realize the loss of Jenna.

I got an email from John Broughton today and I know he's having one of those "someone punched me in the stomach" kind of sad days.

Yesterday I spoke to my mother who I feel is JUST beginning to be able to process and feel the pain of losing her child. I know my pain is great but it cannot compare to hers. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

I think the hard days are important. I feel like the days that I'm very sad and really hurting are the days that I know I'm processing and feeling my loss. I know that even though it really HURTS in those moments there is peace and healing that comes with it.

I'd like to think of a way to honor Jenna this Christmas. I know our whole family is sad right now......... and I am trying to think of ideas for us to band together and celebrate her this holiday season.

Maybe shoot me a memory you have of Jenna..............be it a discussion around a holiday or time you spent with her....................I know there are people who follow the blog who haven't sent any stories. Maybe we can get Mark, Dawn and Melissa to throw in a few stories.................I know we all can try to think of good ones. Something holiday related.

I know for me Jenna and I used to basically get the SAME gifts every year but in a different color. We used to RUSH to open the gift before the other one because the surprise was ruined. I always thought she got the better color :)

A song.......................

2007-10-24T08:57:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8PGmYymhwI

Time to update this thing

2007-10-17T15:34:00.000-05:00

O.K. I'm sure that video was not nearly as meaningful to all of you as it was to me HAHA so I need a new post.

Apparently Dawn and Jack have sold the house in Vermont and purchased a new home in Hendersonville. YAAAY! Congrats Dawn and Jack.

Mark is headed up to Vermont this weekend to drive the car back down for them. My mom has been busy, busy with people coming to see Mark & Jenna's house. PRAY FOR IT TO SELL.

The kids are growing like weeds and Mom said she's been trying to make sure they have fall and winter clothing. I've told Mark let me know Christmas idea's for the kids. Maybe they can write Dear Santa letters sometime after Thanksgiving.

Kaity got on the phone the other day and wanted to talk to Baby Addison - so I put her on speaker phone and Addison was smiling at the phone. I can't wait until Addison is older and can talk to them.

I wish I had some pictures to post of them but I'll have to rely on Dawn for that!!!

What else? Oh they had the meeting in Vermont with the Medium- the woman who says she connects to Jenna. So far I've only spoken to two people and neither seemed 100% convinced that it was Jenna coming through. I'm hoping we can get more feedback from people and something will really jump out. If it does I'll be sure to post it!

Happy Memories

2007-10-04T10:05:00.000-05:00

This is a song Jenna and I used to sing as kids...........I feel like posting a bunch of songs we used to sing together in our beds ...............this is one of them!

A sign from Jenna

2007-10-01T10:04:00.000-05:00

This morning on my ride in to work I had the pin that Gena gave me with a picture of Jenna on it in my car and I was sad. I was missing her and thinking about her. Thinking about music and songs that made me feel connected to her.

Suddenly, as if Jenna were speaking to me this song came on. This is the best I could find on YOU TUBE but listen closely to the words........

"we'll try the best that we can to carry on"

"a gathering of angels appeared above my head, they sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said........."

3 months today - oh our broken hearts!

2007-09-27T07:18:00.000-05:00

2007-09-26T10:12:00.000-05:00

If Jenna could post on this blog what would she say to us?

Tomorrow marks 3 months since her death.......................and I think about all the conversations Jenna and I had from the moment she found out she had cancer........ we spoke several times a day and I'm trying so hard to think about the things she'd say to us - those of us still here on earth.

I think some of the things she really was striving to do the last year of her life was to become an overall HEALTHIER person. Physically - Mentally- Emotionally! To work out, lose weight, eat healthy foods........... to make more time for her children- her family- her friends and focus on the bigger picture and not get caught up with the little things that are out of her control. To make sure she let people know how she felt- good and bad. Jenna realized that her days could be numbered. Anyone who is fighting cancer a 3rd time and did as much research as Jenna did knows the risks out there.............and Jenna took every moment of every day and tried to fill it with something good.

I think she would reach out and hug us or cry with us for our pain if she could! Would empathize with us over our loss and would ask us to remember that our time on this earth will one day come to an end and we don't know when that is............

Jenna led by example!

Please be sensitive

2007-09-14T13:34:00.001-05:00

Please be sensitive

Please be sensitive to the fact that our family is still very much processing and grieving the death of Jenna.

It would be most appreciated to know that Jenna's belongings have all been packed up and stored for her children or given to family as a keepsake.

We are sorry if we can't set aside a personal item of hers for each and every person. Most of what is saved is for her family and to pass to her three children.

We appreciate your understanding.

Pictures of the kids

2007-09-12T10:37:00.000-05:00

2007-09-10T08:24:00.000-05:00

2007-09-10T08:23:00.000-05:00

2007-09-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

2007-09-10T08:21:00.000-05:00

2007-09-10T08:20:00.000-05:00

2007-09-10T08:18:00.000-05:00

2007-09-10T08:16:00.000-05:00

2007-09-08T07:09:00.000-05:00

Hello. Well I made it safely to TN Thursday. Addison did well on the flight. Mom and Jakey picked me up......Jakey was being all shy. He does this thing where he closes his eyes and he thinks you can't see him when he does it. HAHA!

The girls were very excited to see "Baby Addison". It's funny that Jake is only a few months older but they don't think of him as a baby.

Well I wanted to post more but the kids are going crazy.........be back later.

Hi from Kaity

2007-09-08T07:06:00.001-05:00

Hi Mommy - I started school and I love Mommy. And she says that she misses William. Mommy I am glad that you have William.

Hi Grandma Dad - HI Autumn and Breanna and Rand

I have been playing video games and going to school. Today we're going to visit Mom's grave and leave some flowers.

I am having a good time with Aunt Tamra here. She put me to bed last night. Even with Ashlee and Jacob I am having a good time.

That's all I want to say. I LOVE MOMMY

Kaity

Just a bunch of pictures...................

2007-09-04T12:50:00.000-05:00

2007-09-04T12:49:00.000-05:00

Happy Moment

2007-09-04T12:43:00.000-05:00

This is a picture of Jenna and the girls on one of their last vacations together! Dawn sent these out (THANK YOU DAWN FOR BRAVING UPLOADING PICTURES AND SENDING THEM OUT). I sooo appreciate Dawn taking the time to learn how to do that!

I have a copy of this picture on my fridge and I look at it every day and how serene and happy Jenna looked! I've been sad lately. The shock is melting away and the sad, heaviness is setting in. Seeing Mark and the kids will be good for me. It will make me feel Jenna through them!

Jake is getting so big!

2007-09-04T12:36:00.000-05:00

Barbara sent out some pictures to me last week and in them were these pictures of Jake! I can't believe how big he is getting. My eyes welled up with tears seeing how much he is changing and what a beautiful little boy he is! I feel such sadness that he has missed the love of his Mommy. She loved these kids so much - with everything inside of her and now they must continue to grow up without her. I just feel so sad! I can't wait to see the kids Thursday! I want to give them big hugs and I hope I can see Mark too but I think he might be at Dive School all weekend. What a STRONG STRONG person and amazing father charging forward and doing it all!

2007-08-27T21:32:00.000-05:00

It's amazing that today is August 27th. 2 months..........the past two months have flown in so many ways yet time has stood still on some level inside my heart and mind. Frozen there in shock that this is real. I think part of me (and part of many of us) wants to believe that it's not real.......that it will somehow be "undone". In some ways I feel like there is nothing more that I can say about what has happened. Words are only words and change nothing - they cannot undo death! Instead I just look for ways to feel Jenna around me- in nature, in music, in friends and family! I really look forward to my trip to TN and seeing the kids and Mark and my Mom. Those things will reconnect my feelings to Jenna. Still at least once every few days I have a "MOMENT" where I forget - and instinctively reach for my cell phone or have a thought of sending Jenna an instant message it's a very quick second and then I remember! Life is moving forward and Jenna is with us still but in a quiet way where we will have to listen very hard to hear her........but have you ever been thinking of her and one of those songs from her ring tones comes on the radio? Either those are just popular songs played a lot or she's communicating her presence to me..........

I am so happy about the people who have reached out to me often - many of Jenna's friends and then John, Gena, Donna...........Theresa who has always been a close friend of mine- but there is this part of me that feels like we need to find a way to connect to Mark............. I know if I ever lost E.J. I would need his family and friends to help keep me connected. I suppose he does have the children but it's not the same!

It's late.I'm rambling after days without much sleep- but I know it's been a while since you've found something new to read here so I wanted to write "SOMETHING".

2007-08-21T19:23:00.001-05:00

Life is short, Break the rules, forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love
Truly,
> Laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you Smile.
Life
> may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should
> Dance....

Donna dedicates this song to Jenna- awwww

2007-08-21T07:55:00.001-05:00

As I was sitting at the Ocean this past week I thought a lot about how much I cherished our friendship. As I was cherishing the moments of watching my kids enjoy the Ocean; I thought this must be how Jenna was feeling days before she died. I so hope you were able to enjoy yourself with the lingering reminder that in days you would be locked up for the 28 day treatment.

I miss you so very much, so many times I have reached for the phone to tell you something and realizing your not there. I miss hearing your laughter, your sly comments, your voice when you tried to make it sound sexy" "I know baby". I just plain miss you My heart has been heavy over the last few days as your two month anniversary approaches. I still think it is all a dream, that I will wake up and you will still be alive. Speaking of dreams,"for the first time I dreamt of you last night" I just can't remember the details. I woke up feeling so full of sadness, I have thought about it all day and can't remember and this is saddening for me.

I have called the girls and spoke with them, Mark seems to be at the Fire Department when I call. I want to reach out to him, and help him thru this trying time. I know this isn't possible. We spoke about this right before you died. Jenna if anything, I know you are with them each day. Watching over them, holding them tight. When I spoke with the girls last week they seemed happier, and excited about the start school. I will call them again this week. I want so much to see them all again and hug the kids so tight. I feel they are my only connection to you know. I want to tell them so many stories about their mom. How generous you were, how amazingly strong you are, how determined to live for them you were. I Want them to know how fun you are, how spontaneous you are. I want them to know how very much you loved them. How amazing their mom is. How much love you had for everyone in your life.

I still talk to you each night. I Tell you about my day, ask you for strength, wisdom, and courage to do what is needed of me. To help me be the best mom ever. I know your death has made me take a second look at my life and how I spend my time. You have made me want to cherish each moment I have with my children. Jenna you are one of a kind. You have also helped my marriage be stronger, and be thankful for everything I have in my life. My priorities have sure changed.

Jenna, I love you so much and miss you each and every moment of the day. You are branded deep in my heart for-ever and always. You are truly the best friend anyone could have asked for. I dedicate this song "One Friend" by Dan Seals to You.

I have been reading the book "90 minutes in Heaven" trying to find some peace in your passing. Trying so hard to know you are okay, safe, happy. After reading this book, I know we will meet again some day. You will be there to greet me and "hearing the heavenly music" isn't what I picture hearing in heaven. I picture your voice, saying "HEY CHICKIE WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG"? I can picture seeing your smile, hearing your sassy comments. Until then my friend, I will see you in my dreams, and speak to you each night. I just ask if you can put a word in for that "GIRL" I'm ready....HEE HEE

I love you and miss you incredible.........

Gena dedicates this to Jenna

2007-08-16T18:37:00.001-05:00

My Heart Will Go On lyrics
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're one

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

There is some love that will not go away

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Is there life after death?

2007-08-16T14:22:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about this subject so much. I mean, I believe in God..........I believe in Heaven but do I believe that Jenna has the ability to communicate with me? To send me messages?

Interestingly I found this article on NBC: http://www.nbc10.com/news/3253894/detail.html

The NBC 10 Investigators tracked down a doctor in Seattle whose research may come closer to anyone else to answering the question, is there life after death?

. Melvin Morse is a pediatrician who used to think that people who were interested in near-death experiences just wanted to be on television talk shows.But something happened to one of his patients that changed his opinion. Now he believes the evidence points to something after life.Most scientists will explain that near-death experiences are caused by the lack of oxygen in the brain in the last moments of life.

glimpse of something beyond our existence."I interviewed a 6-year-old boy," said Dr. Morse. "We resuscitated him. He opened his eyes and he dramatically said, 'That was weird, two guys just sucked me back into my body.'"Dr. Morse is a respected pediatrician. He was a skeptic about the issue of life after death until he was confronted with a story he couldn't explain away."She was what you would call clinically dead," explained Morse. "She was under water for 19 minutes."After the 7-year-old girl was resuscitated, she started drawing pictures."What she described to me was not a hallucination. It was a blow-by-blow accurate description of her own resuscitation, but from a bird's eye point of view," said Dr. Morse.The child believed she had to go back to her body to help her mother with her unborn brother. She drew her unborn brother with a big red heart. Several months later her brother was born with heart disease."How can dying, comatose patients perceive anything? That's what fascinated me," said Dr. Morse. "I knew that something important about human consciousness was to be learned."Dr. Morse has recorded dozens of interviews with children who have experienced near death. He says he finds the experiences with children to be the most pure.Dr. Morse says he doesn't believe in God himself and he has little interest in the experiences many adults often have reflecting their own religious beliefs and cultures.Critics say it is because Christians tend to see Jesus and Indians see Hindu gods, the near-death experience doesn't seem scientifically credible.Social worker Kimberly Clark Sharp says she couldn't come to terms with her own out of body, near-death experience until one of her own patients had one.Sharp's patient went into cardiac arrest. After she was resuscitated, the patient insisted she had risen out of her body and floated up around the hospital where she saw a blue tennis shoe on the third floor ledge.To calm down her patient Sharp went to look. "I did find a blue tennis shoe on the ledge," said Sharp. "She got everything right as she described it to me.""It's clear even when people are flat lining in the last moments of life, something profound is happening," said Dr. Morse. "It is something today's monitors can't pick up."Dr. Morse's findings have been published in medical journals and he's working to see if something physically changes in the right temporal lobe of the brain when someone has a post-death experience."One child told me it was a light who told her who she was and where she was to go," said Dr. Morse. "I want to interact with that light that tells us who we are and where we are to go while we're still alive. That to me is a challenge of the near-death experience."Dr. Morse believes you can get in touch with that part of the brain through prayer, meditation, even the rhythmic movement of knitting. There's no absolute proof, but he believes that people who have that near death experience are stepping into another realm.

Then I googled the Pediatric doctor and read up some more of his stories on this website:

http://www.melvinmo rse.com/light. htm

GO to the children's drawings tab and click it.

When I get where I'm going........................ Jenna's message to us!

2007-08-10T14:19:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6Zfx5qra_g

Tough by Craig Morgan- FOR YOU MARK

2007-08-10T10:51:00.001-05:00

Oct 22, 2005

2007-08-09T09:18:00.000-05:00

Look how much Ash has grown. She was soo pretty that day. I remember Ash was the last person to walk down the aisle before me.........and when I heard Pachabel playing - Dad and I were standing in the stairwell and I began to cry. Ash turned around and looked at me and gave me this big comforting smile. She was sooo sweet! I cried the whole way down the aisle. What a wonderful day!

2005

2007-08-09T09:05:00.000-05:00

I have been on the HUNT for pictures of Jenna. I'm trying to get all that I can find and get them ready to put together a story book for the kids and also have something for Mark!

These pictures were taken the summer of 2005. I got engaged and was planning my wedding. Jenna was my Matron of Honor. She flew up several times to visit and go try on her dress (found out she was pregnant so had to order a much bigger size) LOL and came up again for my bridal shower. She wanted SO much to be there for me and she really was. Jenna was a special sister. She reached out to me so many times and I am SO happy that she is a part of everything surrounding my wedding and being pregnant and having Addison. Those are the happiest moments of my life and I treasure she got to be a part of it.

The picture on the bottom she was pregnant with Jake! This was my bridal shower at the Wentworth in Rye, NH. She was showing already!!!

A funny story about the top pictures is that the night before these were taken Jenna and I got rip roaring drunk on Newbury Street at this place called Chroma. We went in there and sat at the bar while EJ parked the car and these two older men from NYC offered to buy us some drinks- so Jenna and I were downing these HUGE martini's. We ended up barely being able to walk by the end of the night. E.J. was holding us up walking us back to the car! Some guy walked by EJ and was like "WOW you have your hands full" LOL. EJ loves that memory of Jenna. She was having SO much fun being with us in Boston and letting loose. She rode home in the back seat drunk dialing all of her friends (and Mark) and the next morning was laughing so hard about it.

Printing in progress

2007-08-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

Well I have figured out how to print Jenna's blog...........in fact I've printed almost the entire thing and it is ENORMOUS! I mean, no way could you put this into a book until it was a novel. However, its the words she wrote that mean the most and I am going to at least start with this copy to save for the children. If anyone else wants to help out in making copies you simply need to

open the blog in INTERNET EXPLORER
Print each MONTH
Blogger only lets you print one month at a time

Its several hundred pages. I've asked E.J. to get me more ink - haha so I can keep printing. Right now its all faded and the colors are off.

UGHHHH I'm so annoyed

2007-08-07T08:40:00.000-05:00

So I decided to just try and print Jenna's blog myself and it is only printing portions of each page.........and I cannot for the life of me figure out how to print the ENTIRE thing. Is there anyone out there who will try printing off like 5 pages and see if it works? I can only get 2 posts to print to a page and then it stops and it won't let me cut and paste older posts! FRUSTRATING! I am determined to get this thing printed to secure for the kids! PLEASE HELP!

Who has a really good printer?

2007-08-05T18:44:00.000-05:00

So I got to thinking that I really want to print Jenna's entire blog (and my own to save for Addison too) and I realized that I could probably spend a lot of time with my little HP printer and do it or I could ask people out there who might have access to a really good FAST, COLOR printer? I'd like to print up a copy of Jenna's blog and then make 3 copies to store for the children and naturally have it available to others who want to buy a copy.

IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE WHO CAN HELP?

I just printed the last post on here and it came out really crisp and clear and nice so I think printed up it would look nice.

You can email me at tamrathorne@yahoo.com

Hi it's Jenna's sister in a hat I gave her

2007-08-04T10:41:00.001-05:00

Hello. Well here is a hat that I got Jenna when she first discovered she had Leukemia and was losing her hair. Mom sent it to me. I loved wearing that and this pink sweatshirt my mom sent me. It was the same pink sweatshirt Jenna wore in the dream I had about her the other night. I remember Jenna hugging me and feeling how soft it it. I've been wearing it all morning - it's like a constant hug.

A song written by Jenna's cousin Megan

2007-08-03T11:11:00.000-05:00

When I woke up this morning and I saw you standing there and you said "My child, you've lived your life, your coming home with me."

When I woke up this morning and you were standing there and you said "Child don't be afraid, just wait until you see"

Your goin' home with me

Oh the clouds are parting ways

Come my child and be free

Your goin' home with me

No more worries, no more pain

and oh how beautiful you will be

and when you get there the beauty you will see

when you are home, you're truly home with me

When I woke up this morning and I saw you standing there

All I felt was complete peace because I came home with you

and though my family doesn't understand, oh but when they see this place

They'll want to come here too

Then they'll come home with you

They'll come home with you

Oh and when they see my face they'll be smiling too.

And they'll come home with you

They'll come home with you

OK I'll give them a big embrace

When they come

They truly

Oh Lord when they come

Lord when we all come with you

From John Broughton

2007-08-03T08:18:00.000-05:00

A TRUE FRIEND

Jenna and I met in third grade at Mary Hogan Elementary School (Middlebury, VT) in 1980. I recall many memories of that year – the year our friendship began..

There was a bit of a gap between our elementary and middle school years, but Jenna and I soon rekindled our friendship in junior high, and became closer in high school when we began 9^th grade. I recall Jenna having cancer (Nonhodgkinslymphoma) the summer of 1986. I didn’t see her or spend time with her as much because she was in and out of the hospital and recovering.

When we returned to school that fall, I recall seeing Jenna sitting in the back row of our Geography class wearing her bandana. You could tell she was shy so I began sitting in the back row wit her and stayed with her the rest of the year. We instantly became friends again and hung out even more. From skipping classes to meeting up in the cafeteria to going to McDonald’s, we would even sometimes meet each other outside class rooms in between classes and catch up or meet up in the computer room. I remember this one time where we were all hanging outside Mr. Simms classroom (both Gena and Jenna had a HUGE crush on him!) and when the bell rang, Gena said, “oh, I better go” and turned around and walked right into the glass partition next to Mr. Simms door and he saw it! We all laughed so freakin’ hard. Sometimes Jenna would also be standing outside your classroom trying to get your attention and make faces or distract you until the teacher caught you and get in trouble! She loved getting people in trouble, in a funny way of course. Life was indeed fun for her. We all made sure to stick together for our Jr and Sr proms as well. We triple dated, rented a limo or van, drank, and just plain had fun. So many memories…..

Throughout our high school years, we spent summers at the Middlebury town pool, walked around town, played and hung out at each other’s houses, went to movies, etc. As we got a bit older, we drank (my older sister always bought alcohol for us!) and drove around a lot. Jenna was the first one to get her license, so she carted us all over the place. We would hang out at the A&W drive-in restaurant (a historical landmark now), drove to Burlington almost every weekend, spent time at the Great Escape (NY), and made many Friendship tapes of our favorite songs. We also spent many nights drinking in the woods in my tree fort behind the house I grew up in. We also hung out at the reservoir up on a hill in town. We definitely did our fair share of drinking and I would always be the first one to pass out and Jenna made sure to always get a picture of me passed out. I remember one time when she actually showed my parents one of those pictures! I also remember when the college students from Middlebury left campus for the summer, we would go into the dorms (no, we did not break in!) and go through each of the rooms to see what was left behind. We found TONS of stuff, it was amazing. One time we got caught, it was hilarious.

Our college years were a blast. No matter what new friends I made, I always wanted to hang out with Jenna and our circle of friends. She had a way of keeping her friends together. We always had parties at her apartment. Gosh, I remember so many drinking games. One night she got so creative that she put “dares” on the Jenga blocks. Whatever Jenga piece you took from the tower, you had to do it. We had so many long weekend nights going from Carburs Restaurant to What Ales You to Rasputin’s, then ending the night with a heaping portion of gravy fries at Nectar’s or an early breakfast at Denny’s. She had an infectious laughter that I will never forget, and she also had a way of being mischievous in a funny way, she had a great smile that had lots of warmth and she was always there for you when you needed her.

I know Jenna loved each and every one of her friends. I know that she fought hard to win her battle with Leukemia, but couldn’t fight any longer. I know she would want to be here with her kids to watch them grow, be there for each of their milestones and life’s accomplishments. Although she is not physically here with us on Earth, she will always be with each and every one of us in Spirit. Let’s keep her close to our hearts. She is now our guardian angel watching over us and smiling. She is the warmth and brightness of the sun, the gentleness of rain, and the softness of the wind. Her love will last forever. Never forget her, as I know we will all keep her alive in our hearts and in the memories we all have of her.

Thank you Jenna for many wonderful years and thanks for the memories! Rest in peace for we will see each other again. J

Love, John

Theresa's Memories

2007-08-01T14:30:00.000-05:00

You asked for a couple my favorite Jenna memories and several came to mind.

The first day, I met Jenna was in ninth grade at Eric Sisco's locker, Jenna was wearing an red bandana. Eric and I were at his locker having a conversation and this girl come out from no where, she ran up and gave Eric a big hug and proceeded to act as if she was checking him out up and down, this was to mimic Eric as he was doing the same to her. At the same time they were telling each other how hot each one looked in a joking but seductive manner. Eric or Jenna, excused themselves from their playfulness and Jenna then introduced herself saying, "you must be Eric's new girlfriend, we should hang out sometime" and then Jenna just walked away. When she walked away, I told Eric I really liked her spunk and expressed an interested in us all going out. Later Eric gave me Jenna's number and I called her and our friendship just took off.

There was a time when Jenna and I were getting ready at her house for one of her cancer camp reunions. I had shown up in a mini skirt and found out she was going to wear one too. For some reason I didn't want to look like I was wearing the same thing so we went through her closet and found a nice floral dress that was tea length. I put it on and Jenna and I went to leave. Dick was in the kitchen and saw how the both of us was dressed. He told Jenna that she should think about dressing more like me as he didn't approve of the mini skirt for the event. Jenna looked at Dick and said, "that is my dress". We laughed about that all the way to Burlington that night. I kept picking on her, telling her that she should dress more like me.

I remember silly things like Jenna wearing these red and white candy cane P.J. bottoms almost every time I spent the night. She loved them and must have thought they were comfortable. Whenever Jenna spent the night at my house, we would make fudge or something sweet. My house was out in no mans land, so there was a lot less ways for us to get into trouble Those were good bonding moments because we got to talk and really hang out.

Another fond memory I have of Jenna was when she would get coy with a sneaky look on her face and out of the blue whisper in your hear things you were thinking, but would never express openly. Jenna always wanted the inside scoop or to make someone laugh, so in order to get it out of you, she would just express it to you at random moments with a big smile on her face. So, if you ever see pictures where Jenna is leaning in to someone, appearing to be whispering, know that was one of her moments.

Jenna was the first one to get me to go blonde, she decided one day she was going to dye my hair for me. I suppose, I could've refused, but I was curious what I would looked like as a blonde. It turns out it wasn't so bad, but from that day Jenna was Blonde #1 and I was Blonde #2 and that is how we signed our notes in high school.

Their was one night Jenna and I decided we wanted to go dancing in Burlington. We were 17 or so. We also got others to go, but first told each of our parents we were staying at one another's houses so no questions would be asked. Then we proceeded to Burlington and went out dancing until early morning. We then stayed at Brown's motel and drove home in the morning. Nobody ever knew, until years later we told her mother and felt bad we had taken advantage of her trust.

Jenna, John, Mike and I decided to go party at one of the sand pits parties in Middlebury, we were all having a good time until someone said the cops were coming. Jenna, John, Mike and I went running back to the car and tried jumping through the windows. For some reason, we thought stumbling into each other was quicker than just opening the doors.

Some of my fondest moments were when we would have pot lucks at each others houses and watch the Thursday night line up in college or the nights we went dancing. I could always count on Jenna to be a blast on the dance floor. We didn't need drinks to start the dancing. In college, we would pile as many people as we could in the car and drive to St. Alban's to go dancing.

I worked on convincing Jenna she should move to Burlington to go to college. She said she wasn't sure it was in her plans. I think it was more she wasn't sure she had the money to go. So, I told her loans are the way to go and that was how I was doing it. Then one day she called me up and said, I moved in with Dad and Susie and will be going to Champlain in the fall. I was so excited as it was lonely going to college while all my friends still lived in Middlebury.

Then the day she met Mark in class, she was so nervous and excited they had made eye contact. She didn't know him that well, but still invited him to go dancing with all of us up in St. Alban's. I remember she put a lot of effort into curling her hair.

One Christmas night, Jenna and Mark invited Steve and I over to her Dad's house to hang out, well, they didn't tell us they wanted to go hot tubing. So, Steve and I showed up with no bathing suits. Apparently, they didn't have any either. Jenna says to me, I did tell you baby, because we are going to go in the nude. So, we all decided to go in the nude in the dead of winter. It was snowing and all the windows and doors were open in the hot tub room so all we could see was our breath. We had to stay in the water up to our necks to stay warm. It looked and sounds ridiculous, but it was fun.

Once Jenna moved away to Tenn..., I loved the times we could talk on the phone. We went through spurts when we would talk several times a week, to once a week, to once every two weeks. We rarely went more than a couple weeks without catching up. I tired to get to Tenn... at least once every year or so. She was always after me to move to Tenn... to keep her company and so I could meet the man of my dreams. She was always a patient listener and never made me feel bad for my thoughts and opinions. We always just knew when we shared our thoughts, feelings, dreams and opinions they were our individual ways of expressing what was going on in our lives. Hers or mine were never wrong, just another way of looking at the situation. Gosh we talked just about everything and tried to figure out why things happened the way they do.

There was a time I went to visit Jenna and Mark, we had plans to go see Kid Rock at an outdoor amphitheater. We first went to Jenna's favorite Mexican restaurant where her and Mark had three giant Margaritas. What I mean by giant is a 32 or 48 oz margarita glass. I don't the actual size, but they were huge. I could only have 2 and my gut was bursting. Needless to say we got a little buzzed and kept running around looking for a way to get closer to the stage. Jenna knew I was having a hard time with the fact my boyfriend cheated on me and I had broken it off a few days prior. I remember her stopping because she was out of breath from all the running around we were doing. She stopped and looked at me seriously and said "do you have your cell on you", I said "Yes", she said, "let me call that jerk and ask him what he was thinking." Well the calls didn't stop there, we ended up calling several of my ex-boyfriends. That was Jenna, she was always looking out for me.

On another Tenn.. trip to visit Jenna & Mark, we went to an Tenn.. hockey game. Mark was really into the game so Jenna and I would sneak out saying we had to go to the bathroom and would go drink beers. We ended up getting buzzed and needed to actually go to the bathroom after a while. I remember Jenna was walking in front of me on the way to go to the bathroom, she stopped dead in front of a full length mirror just inside the bathroom door and did a little gig in front of the mirror out of the blue. I stopped and looked at her weird like, what the heck are you doing? It must have been a funny look because we sat there laughing for quite sometime. The rest of the night, when we had to go the bathroom, we would stop and do a giggy in the mirror just for the heck of it. It made us laugh at how silly we were acting. Sometimes you just need to let loose and with Jenna you were safe, there was very little that was too silly, we just did it and had fun.

Most of these stories you probably had to be there, but boy she was a blast to hang with. She could always lighten the mood or get you to do crazy things.

She was my rock, my best friend and my sister at heart. No matter what, she was there for me and I for her.

Theresa

Song Jenna sent me.......................TAMRA

2007-08-01T08:23:00.001-05:00

2007-08-01T07:37:00.000-05:00

As I try to keep up with this blog and keep Jenna's spirit alive I am every day touched by HOW many people Jenna touched. I stare up at 4 shelves of cards in my office from people MOSTLY who never even KNEW Jenna personally. They knew about her from my wedding- or maybe through her blog........ many are from my BabyCenter friends whom are very much like all the friends Jenna met on line.......people whom you otherwise would never have met but found a bond that can carry on forever!

Jenna was the type of person who would be HONESTLY happy for you. I was saying to my friend Michelle yesterday that the hardest part for me is that there is NO ONE in this world who can be as happy and excited as Jenna was for me about ANYTHING. When I was pregnant she wanted me to call her immediately and tell her how big the baby was and any "news" we might have. MOST people would politely listen to me talk but she really WANTED to know. When E.J. and I were planning our wedding she would constantly send me songs that she thought were special.......she also did this during my pregnancy. She said "Wait until you have a baby.........songs that are LOVE songs will make you think about your CHILD because you love them so much".

I will never forget the day my sister called me and asked me to listen to a song by Reba McIntyre called "My sister". It was then and there in that very moment that I realized how much my sister loved me and how much she wished we could be closer and say all the things to each other we probably should have always been saying. I think sisters take each other for granted. We'd always just BEEN a part of each other.......we just always knew the other one was there.

It seems we all have stories of Jenna calling us with a song or a funny story or just to check in and make sure we're o.k. She wasn't selfish and she always made time for people DESPITE having 3 young children to take care of all the time PLUS often babysitting for other peoples kids.

Always on the go- she never would say "Well I can't do it because it's not a good time or maybe next time......" USUALLY she would be scheming ways to get to see you- to be with you- to make it happen. Something in her understood how important it is to make time for friends and family and often go to painstaking efforts like asking people to borrow money (which is not the most fun thing to do) to be able to do something.............. She drove with Mark and the two girls up to our wedding all the way from TN while pregnant! She put on a smile and partied with the rest of us at the wedding despite not being able to drink......................at EASTER she flew here with 3 kids- a layover and in her first trimester - she was so tired she could barely stand up but she CAME. She wanted/needed to be with family and she wanted to hold Addison. She always showed so much love for Addy..............

I could go on and on..................but I feel like we ALL should take something away from Jenna's life and her death. That is...........stop making excuses for why you can't go see your Grandparent, your parents, your childhood friend....................the friend who calls you to get lunch............ when someone emails you or calls you RESPOND to them as soon as possible. It takes 5 seconds to shoot an email back or return a call.........and it means so much to the person who reached out.

Don't just assume people know how you feel SHOW THEM- reach out to people. Don't wait for them to reach out to you......................

Make a difference in this world.................leave your mark like Jenna has.

I love you Jenna Wenna (as I wrote in my 5th grade diary).

Your Big Sis

Another memory from Donna............

2007-08-01T07:36:00.001-05:00

MEMORIES THAT LAST A LIFETIME

WHEN I WROTE JENNA'S GOOD-BYE LETTER THERE WAS ONE TIME, ONE OF MANY MEMORIES THAT JUST STAND OUT FOR ME. MARK AND I STILL LAUGH ABOUT IT TODAY. I CHOSE TO LEAVE IT OUT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS APPROPRIATE FOR THE OCCASION. NOW I MUST TELL.

ONE NIGHT BUBBA AND I WERE VISITING MARK AND JENNA AT MARK'S APARTMENT. AS MARK AND I WENT INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET SOME MORE MUNCHIES AND DRINKS "NON-ALCOHOLIC" OF COURSE, JENNA AND BUBBA WERE LEFT ALONE IN THE LIVING ROOM. UPON OUR RETURN WE SEE JENNA AND BUBBA MAKING OUT. MARK AND I LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND HEADING BACK IN THE KITCHEN.

JENNA COMES RUNNING IN STATING IT WAS BUBBA'S IDEA, BUBBA IS STATING IT WAS JENNA'S. I GUESS WE WILL NEVER KNOW, BUT ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS JENNA WAS SITTING ON HIS LAP. HEE HEE!!!!

JENNA ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE WITH ME DURING THE IMPORTANT TIMES. ONE TIME I HAVE STATED ABOUT KOREA AND BUBBA STATIONED SO FAR AWAY AFTER 6 MONTHS OF MARRIAGE.

JENNA AND I WERE IN "WESTERN CIVILIZATION" CLASS, ( HOW BORING) WE SAT IN THE BACK SO WE COULD PASS NOTES TO STAY AWAKE. THAT WAS UNTIL HE CALLED UPON US TO ANSWER A QUESTION AND WE HAD NO IDEA!!!! I COMPLETELY LOST IT. SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY, IT WAS JENNA WHO CALL MY MOM TO COME GET ME ,AND STAYED WITH ME UNTIL THEY CAME. SHE HELPED ME GET THRU THE SIX MONTHS WE WERE APART. I WAS THE THIRD WHEEL FOR HER AND MARK. SORRY MARKY..... AFTER ALL THIS HER AND MARK STILL DROVE ME TO BOSTON TO PICK HIM UP FROM THE AIRPORT. I WAS VERY NERVOUS. NOT KNOWING WHAT TO EXPECT, OR HOW TO REACT. ALL THE WAY I REHEARSED WHAT I WOULD DO WHEN I FIRST SAY HIM. NOTHING COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THAT MOMENT. ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS, SORRY JENNA AND MARK, WE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT A CURTAIN WITH US FOR THE TRIP HOME. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN.....

AS I SAID BEFORE JENNA WAS INVOLVED IN MANY OF MY MAJOR EVENTS AND HAPPENINGS. I REMEMBER HANGING OUT AT MARKS AND GETTING A PHONE CALL FROM BUBBA. I WAS TIRED JENNA AND I HAD BEEN ON A TRIP THAT DAY "BOSTON CHILDREN'S MUSEUM" WITH OUR COLLEGE CLASS. I JUST WANTED TO GO HOME AND WATCH A MOVIE. BUBBA WANTED TO GO TO THE BOAT HOUSE. THIS WAS OUR ROMANTIC SPOT. I WAS GIVING HIM A HARD TIME AND JENNA GOT ON THE PHONE. SUDDENLY HER AND MARK WERE GOING TO MEET US AT THE BOAT HOUSE. BEING BLONDE I HAD NO CLUE....... WHEN GETTING THERE I KEPT LOOKING FOR HER. TELLING BUBBA NO WE CAN'T GO FOR A WALK, JENNA WILL BE HERE. FINALLY HE GOT ON ONE KNEE AND SHOVED A BOX INTO MY STOMACH. HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM. WITHIN THE HOUR THE PHONE RANG AND IT WAS JENNA. SHE WAS SO THRILLED FOR ME, THIS WAS JENNA. SHE ALWAYS LOVED, AND WAS HAPPY FOR YOU. TRULY HA PPY.

Another one of Jenna's sneaky little tricks- a story from Gena

2007-07-31T08:44:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOD! (Gosh)You have to put this one on the blog. It's one of the best ones. I completely forgot! Our Junior High School class had a field trip at the end of the year to Great Escape. Three buses of students. The teachers told all of us the time we were to all meet back at the buses;) We were so excited and Jenna kept talking about the Steamon Demon. She was getting me all pumped up. Once we got there, Jenna & I paired off and we ran to the Steamon Demon. After each ride she was like okay let's go again! We went on it THIRTEEN times in a row. Then we went off to other rides and were having a blast. Okay, so as time went on I would ask her what time it was. She would quickly look at her watch, say A time, then she excitedly pointed out another ride to go on. Well this went on for hours! She had me fooled. Every time I asked for the time she purposely have me the WRONG time! I remember being a little confused because it didn't seem possible we still had a ton of time still left. As time went on I'd ask her the time again and SWEAR she gave me the same time as before. She told me NO, change the subject quickly, and point out another ride to go on. Well long story short, as Jenna was rearing me to go on the bumper cars, Mr.Kalhovick (sp) came up behind me, firmly placed his hands on my arms and said It's time to go! He said, he'd been looking all over for us, and everyone has been waiting for for us on the buses. Jenna was snickering trying not to let it all out cause she knew what she had done. We held those buses up for HOURS. I remember it being THREE. As we entered the bus EVERYONE started clapping. She was laughing quietly next to me the whole ride back saying how funny it was that she kept giving me the same time and that I would say wasn't that the same time you said before? JENNA!!!!!!!

A note from Beth Wheaton

2007-07-29T18:47:00.001-05:00

Tamara,
 I am not out of the habit of checking Jenna's blog yet either. I love
to see it often. I just don't have that many stories of Jenna. We
often talked more than hung out which is odd for both of us. We lived an
hour from one another so it was not always easy to meet up. The only
memory I have that was funny is the one I shared w/ you and others already.
Which it is not really so funny as it is embarassing. It is really
only funny to those woman who have had children and the same problem w/
peeing oneself when coughing, sneezing, or just standing up to fast. I am
just blessed to have spent a few hours with Jenna the day before
Jenna's passing.  Which is when Jenna had stood up and peed herself. Jenna
and I laughed about what children do to a woman's bladder. Jenna also
told me how poise pads can hold a lake. I was also blessed to have had
the last conversation with Jenna on Tues. night before she attempted to
go to bed with a horrible headache. She told me that the Drs. were
going to do a CT scan later. I really miss chatting w/ her late at
night. We had more deeper conversations at night b/c the kids were asleep.

 Sorry kids need me
 Beth Wheaton

Answered Questions

2007-07-29T18:01:00.001-05:00

Well my mother finally called Dr Grier to find out what happened to Jenna. HOW did she go from being FINE and feeing FINE to being critical? Well the reality of things is that someone with Leukemia who dies.........typically does from infection or a brain bleed. If you get a brain bleed you will deteriorate VERY quickly and die. Apparently Jenna got one and things happened so fast they had very little time to contact us..........and she went into a coma pretty quickly so she was unaware of what happened. That was the feedback we got. I thought you would all want to know for those (like me) who have wondered. Also, she went into respitory failure after she went into the coma- and they had her on a breathing tube and then her heart stopped. NOTHING they could have done would have saved her.

I'm glad she didn't know what was happening.

2007-07-29T17:50:00.002-05:00

I asked Jenna's friends for memories of her. I think it is wonderful to keep those alive and to look back and imagine Jenna in those moments. As her older sister I have so many.....................I will post a few now and then but for now below are 3 of her wonderful friends who have some great stories.

Some memories from Gena Gardner

2007-07-29T17:50:00.001-05:00

I was with Jenna while she was babysitting one night. We each had crushes on these two guys. It was dedication night on the radio. Oh... remind you LIVE dedication night! We picked out a song to request which was Touch Me by Samantha Fox. We DEFINITELY did NOT want them to know it was us so we decided to say from your secret admirers. So, Jenna got on the phone, told the DJ who the dedications were for.... first and last names (we were in High School we all knew eachother). Then she said LOVE, your secret admirers and requested the song. Idiot that I was said LOUDLY over the phone, NO JENNA! DON'T SAY LOVE, SAY FROM. SHE SAID GENA!!! THEY WON'T KNOW, IT DOESN'T MATTER. It took us a few seconds...and we were on the floor laughing hysterically all night. We realized what we did and of course everyone knew who we were we were always together. LOL

Another funny one was Jenna & I went to a salon to get our hair curled for the prom. We kept looking at eachother in the mirror holding with all our might not to laugh. I looked like ANNIE she said she looked like an OLD LADY (her hair was short, so it was like waves stuck to her head). As soon as we walked out the door she goes "Fucking A, let's go home and wash this out." Well, before we went to her house we stopped at this Flower shop to get boutonniere for our dates. As we were about to get out a car pulled up next to us. Out of all the people in the world it was the two people we had crushes on (which were not our dates). We crawled down to the floors of the car laughing our asses off. We must've been there 10 minutes waiting for them to leave. Never knew if they ever saw us in there.

Prom night there was 6 of us (3 couples). We were at Mister Up's waiting for our Limo which was very late. When we saw a white limo driving by our whole gang started yelling and waving the limo down. FEW!!! We got our limo finally! Well...... it turns out it WASN'T our limo! We screwed other people out of their limo. Out of all those people it was the two guys Jenna & I had crushes on! How strange was that? Jenna & I talked with them later that night to apologize and they were fine and said they got 4 hours for free whenever they chose.

Jenna & I used to argue about who's toes were longer. I thought hers were by far and she thought mine were. So one day we were in my bedroom and we got measuring tape out to measure them. I think they were the same but I always told her her's LOOKED longer. LOL

A memory from Lesa

2007-07-29T17:49:00.001-05:00

Hi Tamra, Just a funny story of Jenna and I. About 2 weeks after Jenna had Ashley, her and Mark came for a visit to Bowling Green, we were all so excited about the birth of the new baby, and the celebration of her being a mother, she was sooo proud. Well, they werent here no more than about 10 minutes, and she handed the baby over to me, i was so excited. I had Ashley up on my shoulder and went to change her diaper, and when i lifted up her little dress, her little dried cord hung in it and it came off! Jenna was hysterical with laughter, and i cried. haha I felt so bad about it. Of course, Jenna was such a kidder, she had to ride me about it for the longest time, she would say, " yep, i brought my new baby to see you, and you ripped off her little cord," she would then just crack up. We laughed about that ever since. After she had Kaity and Jakey, she made the point to call and let me know that their cords were about ready to fall off, and when we should make plans to get together for me to go ahead and rip them off. LOL.

I miss Jenna so much. She was such a good friend, and is still such an inspiration. Feel free to get in touch anytime. I am so glad to keep connected to her this way. thanks so much.

From John Broughton-

2007-07-29T17:46:00.001-05:00

Jenna is the last one on the top row and John is to her left. Gena is the first one on the left in the second row! HEE HEE
was going through some of the old pictures of grade school trying to find one of Jenna and came across our 3rd grade picture - THE YEAR OUR FRIENDSHIP BEGAN! :) Now I know why Janna called me 'Bucky" hee hee

Tamra - feel free to post to Jenna's web site if you want, that would be fine. To include a story, one I fondly remember is playing in the school yard with Jenna and Gena. As I was chasing Willow Bliss for run, catch, kiss, Jenna was chasing me! I remember she used to have a crush on me. I also remember Gena and Jenna picking on me because I had a crush on Kathy Kozaryn. That was the year we all learned how to spell 'supercalifragilisticexpalidoscious (sp?), reading "I know an old lady who swallowed a spider, and Mrs. Kaplan's little reading corner. To this day, I remember the little individual school picture of me tucked on the corner of a picture frame next to Jenna's school pic that was hung above the piano at your old house. I couldn't believe your Mom kept that all those years.

Thank you Jenna for 27 wonderful years!!

2007-07-27T08:40:00.000-05:00

I know people come here out of habit hoping to find something from Jenna or about Jenna. Something to stay connected. I have to say that I would be very sad if I came to this site and it were gone. It's very comforting to go read back over the things Jenna posted and stay connected to her that way!

Jenna finally appeared to me in my dream last night. It was an odd dream but she appeared to smile at me. I really hope she is at peace right now....... but clearly there are a LOT of unanswered questions surrounding her death. Something is amiss and I hope we will find out those answers (though unlikely if the hospital made a mistake).

The kids will start school in a few weeks. I think this is going to be very hard for them going back without Jenna there. I haven't spoken to Mark but I do know he started grief counseling with the girls so hopefully they'll have that support.

I am really amazed at how many people have stepped forward and made donations either in the way of food, money or just their TIME! Especially my mom and Marks mom. They are taking turns flying down there to take care of the children and help Mark out.

I wonder how Mark is...........and if he is holding all his feelings inside or able to properly mourn. I know for me life has a way of being so busy you don't get time to sit and really be with your thoughts and feelings for long..............especially being a parent.

I would really love it if people would start sending me fun memories of Jenna.......to post here. Fun stories for us to read! Email me tamrathorne@yahoo.com

Tribute to the children- by Gena Gardner

2007-07-19T17:46:00.000-05:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Recent pictures from Vermont

2007-07-11T12:22:00.000-05:00

Ash and Katy spent some time in Shelburne with their grandparents, aunt and cousins. Thanks, Gena for the pics!

Kaitlyn's 5th Birthday!

2007-07-11T12:18:00.001-05:00

We all spent the day at Mark's parents in Essex. It was great for the kids. They got to play with their cousins as well as one of Jenna's best friends, Donna's kids and Mark's friend since childhood, Mike brought his kids as well. Here are most of them.

A note from Joy- Jenna's Grandmother (Susies

2007-07-05T09:24:00.000-05:00

Happiness isn't about what happens to us- it's about how we percive what happens to us. It's the knack of finding a positive for every negative, and viewing a setback as a challange. If we can just stop wishing for what we don't have, and start enjoying what we do have, our lives can be richer, more fulfilled- and happier. The time to be happy is now.

Lynn Peters (copied from Jenna's blog)

Love like there is no tomorrow...... be forgiving....and make the most of the time you have............a Quote from Jenna's blog

Everytime your husband gets on your nerves.. think of me... up here without mine. Love him.
Everytime your kids drive you nuts and you want to escape... think of me and how I would do anything to be home around my nutty kids.............a quote from Jenna's blog.............written while in the hospital getting treatment.......... I am sure she still wants to send this message to you all.

Jenns' strength and courage have helped me to see that I need to do all I can to fight my leukemia. When first told that I had CLL..........I just thought well I am old what differenece does it make............I will not let them do anything to prolong my life. From reading Jenna's blog and emails with Jenna.........I knew I had to change my attitude and not just think of me. Even though I am old my family still loves me and want me to be with them as long as I can. Jenna.........I try eveyday to live with the courage and strength that you had. Joy Hunt

Tamra, I have always read Jenna's blog and yours too. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from Jenna's. Also a little note for Jenna. I don't know if you want to post them. That is up to you. I am not good at expressing feelings but I try. lOL Love, Joy

July 4

2007-07-05T07:28:00.001-05:00

A few words from friends.

2007-07-05T06:47:00.000-05:00

To Jenna's family,

I first would like to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I can't even imagine the grief that you are going through. My prayers and thoughts are constantly with you all.

I met Jenna three years ago. I was living in Ohio trying to find some child care for my son, Jaden, when we moved to Nashville. I went to a message board on babycenter.com and posted a message to see if anyone had any good suggestions of places or people who would be willing to watch my son. Jenna was the first person to respond to my message.

We began to e-mail each other back & forth, introducing our families and asking & answering questions. I was so excited to find some one, almost too good to be true. I had been a stay-at-home mom for 18 months, and it killed me to even have to leave my child in the care of someone else. I am extremely picky when it comes to anyone watching my son. Even now, he is four years old, and I still only let a select few watch him.

When we finally moved to Nashville, the first thing we did was go over Jenna's house to interview her. We drilled her with a million question. Looking back, I laugh at some of the questions we asked her. She probably thought we were nuts! LOL! First time parents....what can I say! :) Even though some of our questions were wacky, she answered all of them perfectly. Before we even left the driveway, both me & my husband looked at each other and said, "She is the one".

Jenna only watched Jaden for six months (our job situation changed and I could stay home with him again), but there was not one time that I worried about Jaden. I loved that she took care of Jaden like he was her own. She knew how much my heart was aching to be with my little boy. She would take pictures and video clips of him and e-mail them to me during my work day, so I could still feel apart of his life during the day. She took him to such fun places like the zoo, the Bounce Factory and fun playgroups.

I never had to worry about Jaden when Jenna took care of him. She was an excellent mother and a kind person....I couldn't have asked for more!

Even after Jenna stopped watching Jaden, we kept in contact with her. She & I would e-mail each other back & forth, keeping in contact with one another through family pics via e-mail. When I found out that she had cancer I added her to all of my prayer lists at church and sent out e-mails to my family & friends, asking them to pray & support Jenna. I think I became addicted to her blog! :) I checked everyday, checking up on her condition.

After finding out the sad news of her death, I cried for a long time. I know that I wasn't a big part of her life or anything. I didn't call her or hang out with her or was not apart of any playgroups with her. But Jenna was a big part of our lives. She took care of my son, when I couldn't. I will forever be grateful for what she did for us and the wonderful care she gave Jaden.

I think about Jenna every day. And I pray for her family & friends who are grieving for her.

Jenna was a remarkable person. Anyone who has ever been privileged to know her should count themselves blessed.

God bless,

Jennifer Gilkes

I was watching tv this morning and this commercial came on: www.lightthenight.org to raise money for Luekemia research. It's an evening walk with illuminating balloons! How special this would be for Jenna!

Gena Gardner

I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you.

John A. Broughton

Jenna

2007-07-03T05:55:00.000-05:00

We will be leaving this blog up, updating on occasion. If you have anything you would like to share with everyone, be it stories or pictures, please email me at chalendryn@comcast.net and I will add it to the blog.

My sister Tamra is also able to post, so if you know her email and are more comfortable, you can send it there.

Some day, the words she wrote on this blog will help her children understand things better. Your stories will as well.

A Fond Farewell

2007-06-28T07:44:00.000-05:00

This is Jenna's brother, Andrew.

It is my sad duty to inform you that my sister Jenna passed away yesterday due to complications. Most of you who read this already know she was one of the best people that God had to offer the world.

Her strength and positive energy in the face of so many trials was an inspiration to us all and someone so loved will never be forgotten. We are gathering in her town to say our farewells.

Please pray for her husband and three children. As we know more, I will update.

My Day

2007-06-26T19:59:00.000-05:00

Bethy came to see me today. It was so sweet of her. She was my first official visitor!! This afternoon I broke down and took some morphine but it was only 30 mg in tablet form so it didn't knock me out. They do my blood every 6 hrs with this chemo so I got to see that my platelets went up to 10, but they gave me another bag anyway. I also got potassium today.

I've had my second bag of bright blue chemo and I am almost done with my clear one.. so day 2 is almost officially over.

My bilirubin came down some, but they will recheck it at next blood draw. They don't seem concerned about it.

My leg was numb this afternoon, the back of it... some of my tushy and some inside my legs in my private part. I asked about this because my ankle and foot are swollen too now and they said that it's probably because I actually Damaged my nerve... they will look at it again tomorrow. Geeze, I swear.. that ocean did a number on my leg!

Mom and the girls came up tonight. Mom got them chocolate chocolate from the family snack room and kaity cuddled with me the whole time they were here. Ashlee bawled for more ice cream claiming she was starving and her tummy was empty. Keep in mind she had tacos before leaving the house, cheetos all the way here, and then ice cream. It was reallly putting me in a bad mood and I told her if she wanted to come back she couldn't act this way. It was NOT ok and crying would not get her any more ice cream. She finally stopped and cuddled some but as soon as mom took her out the door she was bugging her to stop and get her soda. I SWEAR.. she needs to learn some patience.

Anyway, it was good to see them. Ash had on her new outfit grandma got her yesterday and her new flip flop crocks that she got today. Kaity got new sandals too that were pretty!

The food here SUCKS big time. I wish they had different stuff to eat. Mom brought me some snacks to help fill the void.

Thanks to TASHA NOE for her donation to help with medical costs. Every little bit helps and I appreciate it totally knowing how limited so many of us are with finances.

Well it's time for me to cuddle up and relax and watch some tv!!! I'll probably be online later. :)

Hugs

Update

2007-06-26T09:32:00.000-05:00

WBC : was 40.4 down to 31.3.
RED: was 2.81 up to 2.97 ( got red blood yesterday
PCV: was 25 up to 27
Platlets: <10 as usual. I got them yesterday AND today. They want to keep an eye on this just like last time.
Nuetrophils at 1.0 still so not neutropenic yet.

The Dr said my bilirubin is up a bit and that they will keep an eye on it. I think they are going to retest.

My leg is much better currently. I pray it stays this way. I haven't had an meds since 6:15 and I took a shower and cleaned up my room. Beth is on the way up to visit. Have a great Tuesday!!!

Day 2 Vandy

2007-06-26T06:36:00.000-05:00

All went well with the chemo. I got this crazy bright blue one at 6:30. Makes you pee green! Then I got a clear bag after that. I eneded up getting the riggers to the red blood they gave me after the chemo because my premeds had worn off so I woke up today with sweat all over me and the bed. YUCK.

I didn't sleep well.. my leg really hurt me bad last night This morning it APPEARS to be doing ok with just the IV morphine.. I had been taking the IV AND the PILL!! So I hurt my leg by holding Jake and walking into the gulf of Mexico.. the sand dropped off and I caught us on my right leg pulling tons of muscles and pinching the nerve. Definitely NOT fun.

The beach trip was alot of fun. We had great weather and the kids got really good at swimming! We went to Big Kahuna's Waterpark one day and Mark and I got to go eat out at this place called the Back Porch for our anniversary. It was on the beach so we waited on the beach for them to call our name.. it was pretty neat!! We've been married 11 years now.... wow that's crazy.

Okay so I saw the High Risk OB here at Vandy.. She is keeping track of what drugs I can take etc. So far everything has been ok'd with her except one antibiotic which they have switched. She said basically I will need an ultrasound montly just to make sure Will is growing right. She has no reservations about the Chemo being not good for him. He's been moving around alot over the past few days and my last chemo was last night so we shall see how he does today! It's nice to see alot of familiar faces from last time I was in. It makes it much nicer.

Oh I can have HEALTHY visitors 2 and older!! I get to see my girls this evening and I'm SO excited!! The kids are having a great time with my mom. They are heading to Chuck E Cheese today and to do some shopping... I swear those kids can talk the grandmas into anything! LOL

I'll update later.. I'm getting platelets today. Oh let me write down my counts... Well I'll do it later.. too sleepy!!

Day One Vandy

2007-06-25T17:13:00.001-05:00

I can't really sit up long to go into detail right now.. I've pinched my siatic nerve (sp?) and pullled the heck out of the muscles in my leg so I'm on morphine constantly for pain.

I will update about the trip and such later. I came in last night to make sure I didn't have clots, which I didn't and they told me why I was in such pain.

I got platelets last night, my echo today and my picc line today. I'm currently geting red blood. At 5:30 they will premed me against nausea for my chemo which will start at 6:30. I will get two chemos for teh first three days.. one takes 15 mins one takes 30.... then the last 7 days I will just get the 30 min one.

I have alot to tell you.. just too drugged to do it currently!!! Thanks for all the emails etc I will try to reply tomorrow if this pain is better! HUGS

Oh my direct line is 615-343-9287. I'm in room 11020 at Vandy. Talk later!

Beach Bound!!

2007-06-19T21:01:00.001-05:00

It's 9 pm and I've almost finished packing. I had to write out a list for mom of groceries for her to pick up on Sunday and then make a list for each kid of the basics. I have the last load of laundry in the washer now so hopefully by 10 I can hit the hay! We are leaving at 6 am. I am taking my laptop but I'm not sure if there is wireless there or not yet. I am extremely excited to see the ocean and spend time with my family.

I got my blood and platelets today. I pray they last and that I don't bleed or get an infection while on vacation. That would TOTALLY SUCK. I am definitely going in on Monday to be admitted. I have to go in at 9:15 to see the DR and then he will admit me from there I guess. I think I have to go alone since Mark is at the Fire Dept and has no vacation left and Mom will have the kiddos. I guess she will have to drop me off since I wont have a car!! I don't mind so much because I know she'll be up the next day.

I'm already dreading how lonely it is in there. I hate how I can't see my friends alot and how I can't see the kids. I still have to ask the age limit for the floor. I forgot, but I believe Ashlee can come see me!!! That will make things ALOT easier. I'll sure miss my little bug boy. He's such a little cuddler and loves to hug and rub on me while he goes to sleep. He's a big time mama's boy. I'm just glad he's older now so he wont change as much physically while I am away.

I will be in for Kaity's birthday but I've decided to do her party after I get out. She wants it at CEC. So I'll book it while I'm in the hospital. I just pray this chemo doesn't make me sick. I always get worried when I get a new chemo. I know the last ones were fine, so I am praying these will be too. I also pray that Will is kept safe from the effects of Chemo.

Well gotta get back to packing!! I want to go to bed soon!! HUGS.. :)

Tuesday Update

2007-06-19T10:39:00.001-05:00

I'm getting my platelets and blood today. This should hold me off till Monday when I am admitted. Here are my numbers today.

WBC: 51.5
RED: 2.99
PCV: 28
Platelets: <10

Today I am 20 weeks pregnant!! Half way there.. well less than half since I wont go till 40 weeks! I'm very excited to meet this new little miracle!

Thanks to Roxanne and Heather for the Willow Tree! That was so sweet of you guys!

I'm almost packed for the trip. I can't wait to go! It's going to be a wonderful way to spend the last week with my family.

I'll take a ton of pics!!!

Oh and I forgot to tell you that I had neutrophils yesterday. I hope I still do today!!

Going to the beach baby!!

2007-06-18T14:05:00.000-05:00

I get to go to Destin!! I'm so excited because every year we take the kids on a family vacation to the beach and I really didn't want to miss this year. It's kind of our family tradition!! I'm excited to go and play with them on the beach and take Jakey in the pool!!! It's always quality family time that I cherish and it will help me get through the hard month ahead when I return.

I will also get to celebrate my 11th anniversary with Mark. Thankfully Grandma will be there to help with the kiddos so hopefully we can go do something special.

My WBC stayed the same this week. My blasts were at 91%. I need platelets but I asked to just come tomorrow to get them so they will last longer. They will also do another CBC to make sure I get red blood if I need it before the trip. The plan is to go to my appointment on Monday the 25th, and most likely be admitted. Mom is flying in on the 24th and will be here till July 10th. Mark will take the kids to VT from July 2-9th, then Dawn will fly back with them for 2 weeks and then I WILL BE HOME!!!! :) :)

I'm nervous going, but like the DR said, I look good, I'm feeling good so keep on living my life the way I normally would. I definitely don't want to be treated like I can't do the things I want to do. If I feel good enough to do something, I am going to do it!! I really do feel great considering! Yes I get tired at times, but other than that I feel really good!

I saw an awesome quote somewhere about this but I can't remember it.. it was something about don't live life like a cancer patient.. live it as if you don't have it because you could lose your life in a car accident and the cancer never would have mattered. So I'm going to go to the beach, and not worry, and enjoy every minute, because that is what I would do if I were not sick!!!!

Well I will update tomorrow after my transfusions and cbc.

Happy Fathers Day!

2007-06-17T18:15:00.001-05:00

Happy Fathers Day!! I hope you all had a wonderful day. We hung around here all day and played outside in the sun and water while washing the cars. We just ordered Pizza and got Mark some beer for dinner. Then we made Coffee Shakes :) Yum Yum.

I go tomorrow at 10 for my appointment. We shall see what he says at this point.

So we have decided on a name for the baby. It's going to be WILLIAM CONRAD JURGENS. :)

I'm very excited that we have a name for him now.

I guess that's all that's new! I'll update tomorrow. Mark took off work since we couldn't get a sitter.

MORE on HLA MATCHING for BMT

2007-06-16T21:09:00.001-05:00

Yes, I'm bored so I'm posting like mad... :)

This stuff is interesting though :) Makes me more at ease.

Allogeneic Transplant: Importance of a Matched Donor

The immune system plays an important role in the success of any allogeneic stem cell transplant. The immune system normally keeps us healthy by destroying anything in the body it sees as "foreign," such as bacteria or viruses. A working immune system recognizes cells coming from other people as foreign, too.

If the tissue type match between donor and recipient is not close, the immune system may see the new stem cells as invaders and destroy them. This is called graft rejection. Usually this doesn't happen because the pre-transplant treatment (chemo and/or radiation therapy) damages the immune system. What can happen is the donor stem cells may see the patient's cells as foreign and turn against their new home. This type of attack is called graft-versus-host disease (GVHD). The grafted stem cells attack the host recipient. To avoid this, every effort is made to find the best match possible.

HLA Matching

There are many factors that determine how the immune system knows the difference between "self" and "non-self," but the most important for transplants is the human leukocyte antigen (HLA) system. Human leukocyte antigens are proteins present on the surface of most cells. They determine a person’s tissue type. (This is different from a person's blood type.)

Each person has 3 pairs of major HLA antigens (known as A, B, and DR), for a total of 6 antigens. We inherit 1 set of A, B, and DR antigens from each of our parents (and pass 1 of our 2 sets on to each of our children).

How well the donor’s and recipient's HLA tissue types match plays a large part in determining whether the transplant will be successful. The best matches are where all of the HLA antigens are the same -- a 6 out of 6 match. These have a lower chance of rejection or GVHD. For bone marrow and peripheral blood stem cell transplants, often a 5 out of 6 match is acceptable as well. For cord blood transplants a perfect HLA match doesn’t seem to be as crucial for success, and even a 4 out of 6 match may be acceptable.

Another thing I read is that after this is over.. I will not be immune to ANYTHING that I've been vaccinated against!! I'll have to be re-vaccinated against all the things I was as a child. Isn't that wild?

VOTE IN OUR BABY NAME POLL!

2007-06-16T20:58:00.001-05:00

Mark and I have been discussing WILLIAM CONRAD JURGENS for the name of the baby.. He recently brought up that he's liking JOSHUA. So help us decide.. go vote in our poll!!

http://www.babycenter.com/babypoll/7dV9

Good Reading on Transplants

2007-06-16T19:44:00.001-05:00

Here is some great information on the Bone Marrow Transplant.

http://www.cancerbackup.org.uk/Treatments/Stemcellbonemarrowtransplants/Generalinformation

Hospital and Clinical Services ( Excluding Physician Charges)

2007-06-16T13:43:00.000-05:00

What a joke!

I got the bill today for the transfusions I have received in MAY.. just May mind you, and as the title says, it doesn't include the physician charges....

Can you guess????

Check this out....

$12,748.08

Yep, you read that right. How CRAZY is that? I'm scared to see what is going to happen when July 1st rolls around and our insurance changes.

Anyway, I got that today in the mail and I had to share.

We went to Hobby Lobby today and got mugs for the girls to decorate for Mark for Fathers day. We also got him a card. We probably wont do anything spectacular.. just let him rest as much as possible.

I went through the house today and cleaned like I haven't in over a month! I dusted, mopped, washed a few windows, cleaned the bathrooms, rugs, you name it. It is finally clean and comfortable in here. I still have to put away laundry and make the beds upstairs. I also need to dust and do that bathroom but Jake woke up before I could finish.

My gums are really really swollen and BLEED like mad when I brush.. so I only brush once a day now. After I brushed this morning I felt something in my gum... I took it out with my tougne and saw it was a CLOT! YUCK. I can't wait till my gums and teeth can get back to normal. Between the Leukemia and being pregnant they have NO hope.

I can't find a babysitter for Monday so I'm probably going to have to ask Mark to take off work again. It just sucks cause it's unpaid. Well enough rambling.. I better go do a little more cleaning while the banchees are happy!

The Latest

2007-06-15T15:49:00.000-05:00

I got platelets today. My WBC is pretty high. No neutrophils. He said as long as I'm fever free and not bleeding things are well. He said I will be going in soon. I told him about my beach trip and he said MAYBE we can work it out. We shall see. Either way, I'm thankful the kids get to go.

Oh and Ashlee has lice.. yep you heard me right.. guess my weekend is going to be filled with WASHING everything and treating us all. GRRRR

Baby Jurgens Update

2007-06-14T13:08:00.000-05:00

Today I had an ultrasound :) Baby Jurgens Boy was 11 oz and is dating exactly where he should. He is not large yet.. can you believe that?! I have some pictures of the pictures they gave me but they didn't photograph well, so I am sorry for that.

Everything looks wonderful on him and I have to go back in 4 weeks, if I'm out by then and see Dr Ross.

Skeletor Baby Jurgens

It's definitely a boy.... see it?

Profile

Bent Arm by head

Update

2007-06-13T16:58:00.000-05:00

Today I got platelets again. My white count is super high.. up to 28 something. My blasts are at 97%. I am not sure if I even have neutrophils because they are not listing them on the website yet. I was given a Z-Pack to take in case this cough does develop into something, and I was also given some cough med with narcotic, both safe for baby, to take so I can actually STOP coughing and sleep tonight. I was up all night last night because I couldn't stop coughing!

I have to go back at 10 am on Friday for more blood work etc.

I'm feeling so sleepy today due to the lack of sleep. I hope the meds really work so that I can get good rest. Well that's about all!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

2007-06-12T09:51:00.001-05:00

Thanks to everyone who sent e cards, cards, phone calls and gifts! It was such a nice surprise :) Aunt Sandra, thank you so much for the Willow Tree!! I LOVE IT!

Today I wanted to do something fun with the kids but I'm not sure what to do. No one is around to do anything with. Plus, Kaitlin took a tac to a picture I have of the three kids... the big poster size one and pinned up Ashlee's face because she was mad at her. So now I have her in time out and told her NO video games today. I can't believe she did that!!!

Last night we went to Chinese for dinner. Mom sent me money to do some fun things before I am locked up, so we decided to get something to eat :) I really want to take the kids to CEC or the Splash Pad but it's so hard with Jakey running wild with me not being 100% energetic right now!

Tomorrow I go to Vandy for blood work. I am hoping they give me platelets and send me on my merry way. I really really want to go to the beach next week!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Mark got me the sweetest card today for my birthday. It really meant alot. He also had one somehow hidden from me that Ashlee pulled out and gave to me! It was really sweet too.

Well I guess I better shower while Jake naps. I hope I can come up with something fun to do with the kiddos!

HLA MATCHING FOR BMT

2007-06-11T13:37:00.000-05:00

HLA Matching Requirements

There are many HLA markers. Research has found that a small number of them are most important to transplant outcomes. The NMDP sets minimum matching levels that must be met before a donor or cord blood unit from the NMDP Registry can be used for a transplant. The 6 HLA markers looked at for these minimum requirements are two A, two B and two DRB1 markers (see Figure 1).

For adult donors, the NMDP requires a match of at least 5 of these 6 HLA markers. For cord blood units -- which require less strict criteria -- the NMDP requires a match of at least 4 of these 6 markers. These minimum requirements are based on research studies of transplant outcomes.

Figure 1. HLA Matching of Patient and Donor
On the left side of Figure 1, the donor matches the patient at all 6 HLA markers. On the right side, one of the donor's A markers does not match the patient's.

Andy and I are a 6/6 match :)